The only problems you can fix are your own.

Based on my last post I realised I had more to say, about life lessons that I want to share with you.

You know how you always give the best advice, but never follow it yourself. Im all about making myself accountable through honesty.

A life lesson I had a hard time learning was that maybe I was the cause of a lot of my own problems. I had (and some would argue, still do) a pretty massive ego. I am the problem solver, I am the fixer, I am the master of making shit happen. If the situation sucks, I will sort that shit out and will take on and down anyone who gets in my way!

So naturally cos I was perfect, my problems were never me. It was everyone else.

Didnt get the promotion at work? They were holding me back cos I am too useful and make them look too good.

I wasnt happy with a particular situation! I would have the “courage” to stand up and make the changes. I thought it was an admirable trait because I wouldnt be silenced, I would work my  Machiavellian wiles to change everything.

Things not so good at home? Insert just about every excuse under the sun about how its not my fault.

When I think about it now…

I didnt get the promotion because I was cocky and expected it (and should I have got it, I wouldnt have been a good fit for the role. Thats not so say it was the right decision on their part but in a way Im kinda glad I didnt. The decision I feel was personally and not professionally made)

The particular situation… I was the only one who seemed to want to change the status quo. Rather than being a hero, I was the fall guy. I was the convenient person to blame when things went wrong, anything I did was wrong and essentially people were just content to waddle along and not rock the boat. Why change when its just too much effort. The situation is still shitty, but I no longer have to deal with it.

Things at home… after the 100th or 200th argument about why I was a pretty shit partner… my wife stuck with me and we rode it out. I realised that if I wanted there to be change, I wouldnt be able to change her, I would have to change myself.

That seemed to be a recurring theme. People had been telling me for years that only I can control my reaction to things that happen. I believed that if I didnt blow up, people would think it was okay to treat me like shit. If I accepted other peoples crap, they would continue to heap it on me.

In essence, it wasnt me… it was everyone else.

So there I was one day, standing in the kitchen at some ungodly hour of the morning… wondering if I was gonna be still married in the morning, hating life, hating my job, hating everyone… I looked over at the knife block and that super cool looking Butchers knife…

Left to right is just for show… up and down will get results!

Thats when it finally fuckin’ clicked… the only way I was gonna sort out all of this shit was to sort myself out. I had to stop trying to fix everyone else to suit me, I had to fix me to stop giving a fuck about shit I couldnt control.

I went to the GP, got a mental health plan and got myself off to a shrink. My mood state was extremely poor. I was severely depressed. I had literally stopped feeling joy and could only see the negative in everything.

First thing the shrink tells me… you cant control other people, just how you react to them. I still held onto the belief that I was truly bending over backwards for other people and that they should cut me a little slack, show a little consideration… knowing full well that at the end of the day… people have their own problems and they couldnt give a shit about mine.

This was all happening at the same time as I was making the other changes in my life to get the hell out of a shitty situation.

So truth be told, I am on medication for my issues. As with most things, I am impatient and I was like “Why isnt these stupid meds working”. I was told it would take about six weeks to kick in, but hell man, thats too long!!! I want results now!

But I stayed the course and one day it dawned on me… I wasnt blowing up at a moments notice. I wasnt getting that rush of blood to the head when I felt someone was slighting me and it was on! I was calmer. I was looking at things more objectively. I was looking inside for solutions rather than outward.

Im not perfect, and I have my moments. I can still fire up at a moments notice, but I realise a lot sooner that its ridiculous and I should just stop it.

I still get pissed off, and it shows. As my wife says “You dont have a poker face… when you’re pissed off… you make sure everyone knows it with that look on your face”. People still push my buttons… but I know they wont change just cos Im in a bad mood.

Now, rather than getting all huffy and pissed off… I just remind myself that realistically its 10 minutes out of my day to do something for someone. I am still annoyed, but I can only control my reaction. Its okay to be pissed off, its not okay to punish someone for pissing me off.

So there is truth in the saying, you cant change other people, but you can change yourself. Take stock of all your “problems”, and work out which ones actually dont matter. If someone is giving you the shits, they wont change… so dont put yourself in a position for them to annoy you.

You can set the rules of the relationship but you cant make people follow them. There is a fine line between being assertive and being an asshole.

Rather than blame others for your shit situation, work out how you contributed to it… how did your actions let things get so bad? What can you change to improve the situation.

I really dont want to say it but…

Be the change you want to see in others…

Im not advocating that you should seek out the blame when things go wrong… but own whatever happens afterwards… as I mentioned before, I was beaten up at a train station many years ago. I was having a bad day, some one was mouthing off to me and I mouthed off back. Four of them tried to take me down. Was it my fault I got targeted…

  • I probably looked pissed off.
  • I look like a white collar dork at the best of times (so they probably perceived me as a soft target)
  • They mouthed off to me and I wasnt going to take shit from some snotty fuckin’ teenager. How fuckin’ dare they start shit with me.
  • I should probably have known better given that I preach “situational awareness”. Rush of blood to the head… I felt good putting them in their place. That lasted all of about 90 seconds when they surrounded me.

So whilst they had to make the conscious decision to try and rob me… it would be easy to say I was completely blameless. I wasnt. I escalated when I shouldnt have and I had to deal with sitting in an emergency ward for 8 hours, giving police statements and worrying that every Islander teenager that I saw was the ones who beat me and they wanted round two.

Im not an inherently violent person. I generally would rather help someone than hurt them. I figure there is more benefit in working together than working against each other. I also know that should the situation arise, I am the one who runs towards the problem rather than away. Not entirely a good trait, because its part ego and part wanting to prove I am up to the challenge.

This is why when dealing with people younger than me, I try to impart some wisdom… look to de-escalate the situation rather than fire up. If someone calls you a name, agree with them… “You’re fat”… “Yeah, I am… sucks huh”. Essentially, shut the situation down. Give them nowhere to go.

The big one when I was young was calling someone gay, a fag, a poofter… thats my goddamn masculinity you’re threatening there mate, I dont want people to think Im a ring pirate! Im all thats man baby!

Bearing in mind, this was more than 20 years ago, and it was a different time.

But now, if someone was to say that to me, I would just say something like “No wonder I find you attractive”, or “Well you know, gotta pay the rent somehow”.

Its just 5 seconds out of my day to deal with that idiot… they’ll be stumped for a comeback, and I wont even remember what they looked like.

Essentially, whilst its not your fault… you still have to own the consequences. That night at the train station, I did try and de-escalate, I apologised, I pointed out the security cameras (I knew I was getting beaten down, I wanted to make sure it was caught on camera at least) and tried to walk away. I knew the beating was coming, so I took it.

Does that make me a Beta Male? Does that make me weak? Shouldnt I have fought back a lot harder… rather than just try and protect myself, I should have shown them that Im not the guy to fuck with.

I made that conscious decision, because I knew if I fought back, they would fight harder, more would probably join in and I could probably end up dead or disabled. I knew I could protect myself enough so I would be able to walk away.

I know that if I had fought back, I would be forever waiting for payback. They wanted to assert their dominance, and they got to do it. There was no reason for them to go on with it after the fact. I didnt know them. They didnt know me. They were snot nosed punks and they got their kicks, I got to continue living. I do genuinely feel sorry for the person they pulled a knife on at the next train station. That knife could have ended up in me.

So yeah, in conclusion… take the advice if you want to…

Next time someone is giving you grief, or your not happy with the way things are going… ask yourself… what can I change about myself to improve the situation.

Failure is the path to success

How are you feeling right now? Are you successful?

If you answered yes… why are you successful? What makes you a success?

If you answered no… then why dont you feel like a success? If you had it, would you truly be happy?

We are conditioned as a society to focus on what we dont have. Drive an old car? POOR. Dont own your own house? SLACK. Own your own house, but not in a “good” suburb? Are you single? Do you feel like everyone hates you? Do the people you want to like you… dont? Are you too fat? Not fashionable? Hate your job? Hate your life?

In this day and age, we are bombarded with messages of what “success” is… for a guy, you have to have Brad Pitt’s good looks, Jeff Bezo’s bank balance, drive a car thats cost rivals the GDP of a Third World Nation and you have have an permenantly Insta-Ready supermodel/influencer girlfriend who you bang like a champion after you attend yet another glamourous event.

I’ve already written about this so I wont rehash it… but look at it from a different tack. Everywhere you look there is a story about someone who is younger, prettier and more successful than you… they are #blessed with good fortune… there are musical prodigys, there are champion athletes, there are movie stars… the list goes on.

What these stories dont tell you is the countless hours of practice, study and countless failures that went into that success. Think about Kendall Jenner… I dont like to, in fact I am so anti-Kardashian its not funny… but yeah… she grew up with all the success and trappings of riches… she has a veritable team of people whose job it is to make her up, dress her, train her and moderate all her social media to present this perfectly curated existence.

Now think back to the infamous Pepsi ad she shot… irrespective of trying to solve the whole #BlackLivesMatter with soft drink, the whole ad tried to represent to the dirty unwashed that “shes just like you”. It failed miserably. She got absolutely caned for her efforts. Pepsi took a huge hit as well. It was a massive epic fail on her part, for someone who is sooo protective of her image, she learned that even she isnt above reproach.

Enter massive Mea Culpa from her six months later  on her show

“Obviously, if I knew that this was gonna be the outcome, I would have never done something like this”, she said, sobbing.

Cut to an on-camera interview with Khloe, who explained to the audience: “Kendall did a commercial and basically caused a huge controversy. It sucks, cause Kendall’s been taking the blame for it all. Kendall tries really hard to be socially conscious and aware of the jobs that she takes and to really think about how things affect other people, so it weighs really heavy on her heart.”

Producers showed some critical tweets about the commercial, such as, “So many adults had to f— up in so many unique and equally tone deaf ways to make this awful ad, it’s honestly breathtaking.”

Later, Kendall explained why she filmed the commercial in the first place – when she got the offer, she was thrilled to join the list of celebrities who have done Pepsi ads, from Michael Jackson to Beyonce to Britney Spears.

“I trusted everyone. I trusted the teams,” she told the camera.

“But after I saw the reaction and I read what people had to say about it, I most definitely saw what went wrong. I was so stuck, and I really didn’t know what to do, that I completely shut down.”

Source: Sydney Morning Herald

Reading this article whilst I was typing, I was hoping to find something redeeming in the article about learning a lesson from failure… there is none!!!

Her response was basically that she just wanted to be more famous, joining the ranks of other entertainers and it wasnt her fault… and she feels really bad… she never meant for this to happen. She trusted other people and they failed her.

This raises the point I actually wanted to make, have you ever noticed those people who never take responsibility for screwing up?

Its not my fault that I lost my temper at you, I had a bad day at work.
Its not my fault that Im late… the coffee place took forever to make my drink.
Its not my fault that people think Im an asshole, they just dont like the fact I like to keep it real.

The asshole one really resonates with me. I suffered from that for a long time. I consider myself a Zero Bullshit person. I wont suffer fuckwits kindly. Case in point, I once told someone who fucked up that they should stop and apologise to every tree they pass for wasting the oxygen they produce. The reason I am Zero Bullshit is because I’ve been jerked around by too many people to have it continually happen again and again. Of course, to those people I offended, I was an asshole who was just too much work to deal with, so they’d stop dealing with me, actively excluding me.

Thats not to say there arent flashes of it now and again, but I was failing as a co-worker, as a friend, as a team member.

Okay, so I’ve failed… I fucked up… what do I do now?

Well in one sentence… OWN YOUR SHIT! If you fucked up, cop to it. Admit you made a mistake. Dont try and reduce the blame, just stand tall before the man and admit your mistakes. Its gonna hurt, its gonna suck and its definately not the easy way out.

Of course, there are limitations to this… dont expect your partner to be okay with you admitting you’ve cheated, or your Boss to be ok with you losing the company money through constant errors.

The companion to failure is consequences… there are always consequences. Even when you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place decision wise… you cant always win… sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war.

Growth as a person is about accepting those consequences. It will go a long way towards reducing any lasting consequences.

What should Kendall have done?

Rather than waiting six months and drumming up publicity for the long awaited response… rather than playing the victim… she should have come out straight away and said:

“I made an error of judgement, I was too focussed on joining the likes of Britney, Michael Jackson, Beyonce as ambassadors for the brand. I should have been more considerate to peoples feelings about this very important subject. In future, I will choose my projects more wisely and with greater oversight so that I can make sure I truly reflect the values that I hold close to my heart”.

Further reading of the article, Pepsi actually apologised.. not for upsetting the people with such a ridiculous ad… but for putting Kendall in that position. They did mention that they see themselves as a diverse company and did not see that the scene in question would cause such a hassle.

I guess this is the second issue when it comes to owning up to your failures. You can always tell when someone is stage managing their apology. You can tell when its being done for the sake of closing the issue down rather than learning from their mistake.

The whole apology issue in this case absolutely smacks of insincerity. Sure, she might feel bad… but why wait so long? Why do it on a TV show? Why not address it head on, right away and admit it was ultimately her responsibility to ensure she reflects her core values.

Sure, she’s young. Inexperienced. She is surrounded by a team of PR professionals literally every single waking moment. They could have coached her, they could have set up the opportunities… no… these experts probably figured “lets sell the rights to #KendallApologises” or something.

The reason Im banging on so hard about this, is that many people look at these oxygen thieves as role models. What is that teaching people? Dont fess up, dont confront your problems until its beneficial to you… just ignore it and hope it goes away… and if it wont, do the least amount possible, play the victim and blame everyone but yourself.

So now you’ve got that out of your system, tell me why accepting failure and its consequences will make me a better person

To fuck up is a human trait. We all do it. I do it constantly. Writing this blog, should the wrong person read it, I will be apologising for any misconcieved slight. The first question I’d have to answer is why I never told them about it.

My first response would be because I didnt see the need to. I wasnt writing about my truly personal life and definately not writing about them. Im keeping all their secrets intact but baring my own.

Strike 1

But maybe Id want to share in it, its definately a passion of yours…

Yeah, but I wanted to write with the freedom and not worry what others thought…

Strike 2

So why write it all? If you were sooo worried people were gonna read it?

Cos its cathartic… I get to rant and take it out on the anonymous public…

Strike 3

So why make it public


Anyway… admitting when you’ve made a mistake is the first step in fixing the problem. Hiding the problem means that one day you will get found out. Something that could have been dealt with there and then is now a lot worse because time has passed.

Sometimes its better to just rip the bandaid off… its gonna hurt, its gonna suck and yeah you’re ego is gonna take a hit. Ultimately, its better than doing nothing.


Why the friendzone is a myth.

I was writing about something completely different, inspiration struck… deal wtih it

This is something I used to ask myself all the time… if women like nice guys, why do they always end up with assholes? The ones who will treat them mean, but they stay keen. Who will show up for all the fun stuff, but none of the boring stuff… who in your mind, treat the object of your affection like a piece of crap, but they cant get enough of it.

I think everyone in teenage years, through to their mid-20’s has these type of feelings. That is of course excluding those lucky few who find their soul mate… blah blah whatever..

Like most guys, I fell into the friendzone more often than not. My belief was that it was because I wasnt conventionally attractive. I wasnt the starting Second Rower for the school Rugby team, so why would anyone find me attractive? A slightly overweight sci-fi geek, who considered daily life a struggle in class warfare, who was so convinced that he was a fucking troll that he when he did ask a girl out, she thought he was joking. He took it hard and was pissed off… but it was just another chapter in the suckage of life really.

Truth being, I was soooo socially awkward that it was easier to convince myself that no one wanted to date me, so why bother… I shudder when I think back to that time. I hid behind an asshole persona because hey, its easier to be disliked than try and have everyone like you. In my mind, we worshipped at the altar of Stupidity… the cool kids all smoked, drank, did drugs, fucked around, treated teachers like crap… and we aspired to be like them? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??? Of course, to a teenage mind, life after high school is a million years away… this problem is right now.

The point Im trying to make is that in later years, I ended up in the friend zone more often than I care to imagine. As I got older… I realised what a bullshit construct it was…

Soo… what is this “friend zone” you speak of?

friendzonedThink about this… you like someone, I mean really like… but your not confident enough the feelings are reciprocated. So in order to be close to them, you become friends with them… hoping one day they will come to the realisation that you are 10 levels of awesome and they need you in their life… without you having to actually ask them out and make your intentions clear.

How this is more typically portrayed is that the girl strings the guy along, keeping him around cos he is useful. Essentially treating him like a boyfriend, but without the romance behind it.

As you can imagine, it can be a very soul crushing, spirit destroying place to end up. On one hand, you get to be around the object of your affection, on the other hand you know that she’s just not that into you.

Essentially she sees you as a friend… you see her as more.

So whats it like in this “Zone of Friends” you say?

It sucks. Royally. Its a complete mind fuck watching the person you are convinced is your one chance at true happiness and you know given the chance, you could prove that… but for now, you’ll be on the other end of the phone as she bitches about her boyfriend and how he stood her up to go drinking with his mates.

You joke that if you were her boyfriend, you would never do that. You would tend to her every need, her every whim. She would be the centre of your universe.

Its a shame we’re such good friends… 

Please note, I say this with a hint of sarcasm. With age comes experience, and a hormone filled adolescent mind, like the Sith, only deals in absolutes! You dont want to be friends, you want to be more. What? Like SUPER FRIENDS???.

So you just bide your time, getting all Petyr Beylish, sewing the seeds of mistrust, so she will dump his ass and realise that her one true love was under her nose all along.

Yeah, the perennial 80’s Teen movie trope.. I dont need to date the quarterback when my quirky best friend is the one I was meant to be with. Thats why he selflessly helped me with my plans, all the while holding back his true feelings…

Bad news: This doesnt happen in real life.

When the friend zone feels like the phantom zone!

So yeah, no matter how hard you try… every woman you have in your life doesnt see you as a compatible romantic partner… its not your fault, you’re a gentleman, you’re a confidant, you’re always there for her. It must be her fault… yeah… her fault. She’s a bitch. Its not your fault she cant see how awesome you are… you’ve given her plenty of chances to notice… fuck women, they’re all bitches… their all whores… if they wanna date assholes, go for it… no point running to me when they treat you like shit…

There is an entire sub-culture of men who believe this is the case… they are called “Incels”, or Involuntary Celibates. They’d totally do the sex, but no one will do it with them.

Its pretty much everyone elses fault, but theirs… society has conditioned women to only go after the assholes… and leave people like us behind until they one day realise that they could have had us all along but didnt want us.

This movement, and I will call it a movement, because it comes down to the individual and not the group, tend to feel entitled… like women are a sub-par species… they should know their role… it is to serve men. They should be grateful that a man is showing interest in them.

The more rejection they feel, the more steadfast they tend to become in their beliefs and will often take it to extremes… if a woman gives them a hug, they go for the pash. If a woman is dressed provactively, they will take that as an invitation to force themselves upon her. They deserve this, they’ve been rejected so many times, and women like assholes… Im just being forthright and not a beta-male bitch!

So why is this all bullshit?

The friendzone is a construct. It exists solely as something to hide behind and not face your fears. It exists as a way for you to feel that closeness but without any of the risk, which of course can morph into resentment because you realise, she isnt into you.

So lets flip it around…

You have a female friend who is always hanging around, texting you, being playful, being nice… they put heart emojis around your name in their contacts. You like hanging out with them, you have similar interests, but you are really hoping that other girl you have your eye on will return your calls.

Your friend jokes with you that you spend a lot of time together and they really like it. They hug you just a little too hard, you almost feel the brush of their lips on your neck. They breathe in ever so slightly, then release you and head on their way, occasionally turning around to see if you are watching them.

Over time, she becomes a little more obvious, but you see her as friend. Nothing more. That other chick still hasnt returned your call, but she will.

Then one day, she just comes out and says it…

I really like you
I like you too…
I mean, really like like…
Like super like?
Yeah, you could call it a super like… you know… if she never calls you back, I guess we could go out together…

How you handle this next part… thats on you… do you realise that “Holy crap, she’s amazing”, or do you play it off like its nothing? Do you remind her that you’re such good friends and nothing more.

Society, hyper connectivity and the “always on” culture.

Think about your celebrity crush. Think about your “type”. Do you like girls who always seem to be Insta-ready? Do you like guys who look like they leapt out of bed, into the surf and then off to the super important international business man international business meeting?

In this day and age, everything is “always on”… we carry around with us a portal to infinite knowledge, connectivity, convenience and worst of all… its on 24/7 bombarding us with stories, pictures, movies, all sorts of media of people with their perfect lives, their constant successes… kinda makes you feel like a loser in comparison.

Celebrities, influencers, insta-glamourous people… all #Blessed and #noFilter and #wokeuplikethis. Its all inspirational quotes. Its all mantra’s. Its all “Be positive and the universe will provide that pony”….


So naturally when we’re bombarded with this, we think success looks like being a six figure baller, with an 8-pack and a supermodel under each arm because we cant decide if we want to go Chanel or Victoria’s Secret tonight.

Women have the same issues, there is an entire industry built around making women feel shit about themselves until they buy this miracle product that will give them the best left eyebrow… I heard a story that in the 18th/19th Century, dog urine was used as an anti-ageing serum.

And you know what… harsh truth… they say its on the inside that counts? BULLSHIT! You size a person up in seconds… people are drawn to aesthetics… if you put Natalie Portman in a line up with Maiyim Bialik… pretty sure the contest is going to be judged on looks, not on the fact they are both highly educated. Put Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid against a rather homely looking girl who has a PhD in Astrophysics… once again, she could have the nicest personality but who do you think the average guy is gonna go for?

AAAND THIS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT… is the problem. Relationships are seen like trophies. You have to have the perfect girlfriend or boyfriend… we need to be just like all those other people with their perfect lives… we need to have a perfect life too.

Pro-Tip for all you guys complaining about being in the friend zone: Look at who you feel has friendzoned you… is your attraction anything more than superficial… what is it you actually like about them?

How do I get out of the friend zone?

If you think you’re in the friend zone, you’re never getting out.

You dont leave the friend zone until you stop believing in it. Sure, there are cottage industries of douche-lords who will tell you to project confidence, be persistent, be funny, be charming, go to the gym, work out, buy my books, see my seminars… neg the living shit out of her… find her evil asshole boyfriend or object of her affection and destroy him!!


On the other hand, you could you know… just ask her out. Do it properly. Dont just crop dust an invitation to an event at her and hope for the best.

If she’s single and you’re single… chances are she might actually feel the same way you do, but she’s equally as nervous as you are. Take the initiative… be bold. You dont know if you dont ask.

But be prepared… she could also just not see you like that, or she might not be in the right head space, or you know… just as confused as you are because HOLY CRAP… he finally asked me out… taken his sweet ass time!

The only stipulation I’d make is that you make sure she knows its a date… so if you’re going to a movie, dinner first (never afterwards!) and somewhere nice! Dont dress up a casual get together that you do all the time as something more than what it normally is. Do something different, out of the ordinary!

FriendZone is actually a very sexist concept…

rickandmortyfzSo that female friend from before… the one who is totally into you… she’s just laid her feelings bare… are you now obligated to feel the same way? Should you be grateful that she feels that way about you? I mean, she’s put the effort into being your friend, shouldnt the next step be for you to be together?

Sadly, thats how a lot of guys feel…

Are women vending machines? I mean, you feed them the kindness and friendship coins and you get the woman as your selection?

Are women like video games? You play for long enough and eventually you win?

Relationships are not transactional. There isnt a loyalty card where once you fill it, you get to have sex with woman of your choice, and she is obligated to… because you know… loyalty card!

She may not realise your feelings, or if she does, actually values your friendship despite the literal emotional and psychological mine field she has to navigate to ensure you dont get the wrong idea, knowing full well there is a really awkward conversation one day. She may actually care about you, and wants to let you down gently so that you can still be friends… she may not even be aware that she’s taking you for granted…

So guys, take some goddamn responsibility for your actions.

You are not victims of being put in the friendzone. You are not victims. Take ownership of the fact that as much as it hurts, she’s just not into you and maybe its time to look elsewhere if you want a relationship.

I guess I never answered the question, if women like nice guys, why do they go home with assholes…

Cos generally those assholes have some form of confidence. They know what they want, and go and get it. They may be playing a numbers game, where they keep trying till they win. They may be good at talking to the women… they dont hide in the shadows and hope she finally comes to her senses… they dont employ subterfuge or play the victim card.

They dont use niceness and friendship to manipulate a woman into a relationship.

Thats not to say they arent grand level douche-lords… but they have something she finds attractive or needs at that moment… or maybe she is just using him… he might be after a relationship, but shes just after a fling! Maybe she’s just trying to prove a point, to feel attractive…

If there is one thing I have learnt over the years, when it comes to relationships… nothing is black and white…


Rascal Burgers… Down Under home cooking.

As promised, the burger patties I made up yesterday actually turned out pretty good so Im going to share my recipe with you.

Prep Time: 10-15 minutes.
Cook Time: 10-20 minutes for the whole burger concoction.


  • 500g of Beef Mince. I use the 20% fat version opposed to the lean mince, simply because the fat makes them more juicy and less likely to fall apart. I usually get a kilo and freeze the other half for spaghetti bolognese or tacos or some shit like that.
  • 1x Packet of Chicken Noodle Soup or about 2/3 a cup of breadcrumbs.
  • Salt and Pepper
  • 1 Egg
  • Parmesan Cheese (about 2 table spoons).
  • A big mixing bowl.
  • Kitchen scales.
  • Something to flatten the burgers down with.
  • You can also add stuff like onion and diced bacon or whatever you want to the mix. I prefer to keep it simple. Wochestershire Sauce never goes astray.


  1. Put mince in mixing bowl
  2. Add all the dry ingredients. You can add other spices if you like, I tend not to follow a recipe really I just look in the pantry and do the whole trial an error. I think I put some garlic and herb seasoning in there. Dont be afraid to put too much… there is no such thing. Put what you think you should, then add a little more. Thats the right amount. Liberally season with salt and pepper.
  3. Add the egg and any other wet ingredients you may have, mix it in. You will get your hands dirty, but thats part of the fun. You just want to mix it together. Err on the side of caution because if you play with the meat too much it wont combine properly.. oh yeah, depending on the chicken noodle soup, the noodles will be in the burger. It wont affect the taste!

    Ive heard of people putting tomato sauce in their mix. I think thats dumb. But hey, if you like it, try it and if it works… go for it.

  4. Doing the simple math… for any Americans, a pound is around half a kilo. So if you want to make quarter pound patties, you need to split this mixture into 4 reasonably equal parts. For those of you going for the calculator… its 125g. This is what the scale is for…
  5. I have a piece of Tupperware that I can make the patties with, so I put the container on the scale, zero it out and then add the meat mixture until its around 125g. You wont get it exact, most of mine were around 130-140g. Flatten them out till they are around 2-3cm thick. Repeat this for as many patties as you plan to make.
  6. My suggestion is to put them in the fridge for a couple of hours if you have the time to give everything time to settle, and for everything to cool down and combine properly. I usually stack them on a plate with baking paper in between to stop them sticking. Take care to keep the patties together, so you will need to handle them gently.

Cooking the damn things:

  1. Get a frypan, add some oil. I used canola oil cos its what I had on hand. I also have peanut oil, but this isnt a stir fry.
  2. Heat the oil over a moderate heat. Turn your grill on so it is fired up ready to go (once gain, for the Americans, Im talking about the under the oven grill, not what you consider a BBQ)
  3. Once the oil is heated, you can test this by dropping a piece of onion in there and it starts to cook rather than soak the oil… PLACE your patties in one at a time. Dont drop them in, dont throw them in. This isnt some store bought pre-frozen patty. I would recommend using a spatula to lower them in. Let them cook for a few minutes.
  4. RESIST the temptation to flip them. Essentially you want the egg and instant soup or bread crumbs to combine everything together in the burger. Once you can see that they are cooked about half way through…THEN  FLIP them.
  5. Once they are cooked through, I like to put the cheese on top and put them under the grill until it melts.
  6. Add to your burger bun with everything else and eat it!

Health and Diet stuff:

Once again, not a nutritionist, cant tell you the calories, carbs, sugars blah blah blah… but as with any burger you cook, its about what you put on it as much as whats in it. For these burgers, I had the following:

  • Avocado – spread on the buns.
  • Fried egg – Actually not bad for you. Its essentially protein
  • Bacon – Grilled and fat trimmed off it.
  • Jarlsberg Cheese (melted onto the burger)
  • Beetroot
  • Spinach
  • Sliced onion – uncooked (healthier because its not covered in oil and has a nice crunch to it).
  • Kaiser Roll.

To make this healthier, obvious I could shit can the egg and bacon, add something like pineapple and lettuce. I wont EVER put kale on a burger. I toyed with the idea of silverbeet or shredded carrot. I also forgot the pickles. But yeah, its your burger, do what you like.

As Im typing this I did my post dinner Blood Sugar test (Im non insulin dependant diabetic) and it went from 5.3 to 9.4… so yeah, this is not a food youd eat every night.

However if you’re in the mood for a treat, or you want a simple and easy to make dinner, you can easily make the patties and store them in the freezer or fridge.


Burgers… quick, simple and just plain fun

How to make a Burger that tastes pretty good and might even be a little healthy for you. Good news, this isnt a recipe blog, so you’re not gonna get the back story or my inspiration… Im just gonna tell you how to make food that is actually pretty nice. Dont claim its healthy and you dont have to follow my recipe to the letter… but I will tell you this… its quick, its easy and it tastes pretty good.

The Aussie Millenial Burger

In honour of Australia Day, and it has Smashed Avo on it… if you dont know why thats funny… TLDR… a politician in Australia said that if Millenials want to afford homes, they need to stop spending $20 a day on Smashed Avo on toast.

Prep Time: Around 10 minutes
Cooking Time: 
Around 15 minutes all up

What do you need:

  • Chicken Thighs
  • Marinade (I used Smokey BBQ)
  • Avocado (smashed of course…)
    Pro Tip: you want a soft avocado!!! When you pick it up, it should feel a little squishy
  • Onion
  • Spinach leaves
  • Bacon (2 slices for two burgers) (You can use middle or short cut)
  • Beetroot (tinned)
  • Cheese (I used Jarlsberg, but Im fancy like that)
  • Egg (Cage Free! Im serious!)
  • Tomato (or not… I hate it)
  • Brioche Buns (Burgers need Brioche… use a normal bun, but you’re missing out…)
  • Cooking Oil. I use canola. Use whatever…


  1. If you have time, put the chicken thighs in some sort of container with a lid and add the marinade. Shake it like a polaroid picture (Shake it, shake it) and put it in the fridge until you’re ready to cook.
  2. I like to prep the rest of the ingredients before I start cooking… so I can pretend Im on a cooking show whilst Im doing it, also because Im shit at time management whilst cooking and its easier to prep it and have it, than not have it and need it.

    Peel the onion. I do this by cutting off the top, then peeling the skin off and then cutting off the bottom where all the skin peeled to. I know it sounds straight forward and DUH, but its a skill… for those tricky bits, I like to use the knife to help with the peeling process. Once peeled, slice thinly. Talking  Bunnings Sausage Sizzle thin… You should have onion slices that you can punch out into onion rings.

    Do the Avocado. Make a cut in the centre of the avocado along the long side until you hit the pit in the middle. Then just drag knife around the pit until you have cut the avocado in half. Twist the two halves to seperate. Grab a spoon and scoop out the avocado from the non-pit side into a ramekin or other container. Then remove the pit and repeat for the other half. Grab a fork and smoosh it up really good. If you have a soft avocado, this will be really easy and will make a kind of lumpy paste. I usually cover this with Glad Wrap (cling film) and put it in the fridge until later.

    The rest. Just make sure you have your spinach leaves, beetroot tin opened and put into that crazy tupperware thing that literally only holds beetroot. If you feel the need like my wife to have tomato… cut the top off, then a couple of slices.

  3. Get a large frying pan and pre-heat over a medium heat.
  4. Get a smaller frying pan and pre-heat some oil for the eggs.
  5. If you have a grill, turn it on and pre-heat it. If not… bacon is going in another frying pan. I like crispy bacon, so I find this is the best way to do it. I usually cook it on a flat try with some baking paper, mainly cos I dont like cleaning out dripping from the oven. I would recommend getting to know your grill pretty well. Most oven/grill combos I know take a little bit to warm up, however if you have some sort of dedicated griller… like a George Forman or something, the cooking time will be a lot less.
  6. Put the marinated chicken thighs into the frying pan. Keep an eye on them. Turn them occasionally and move them around to make sure the marinade doesnt start to burn.
  7. Once the oil is heated, crack an egg (1x for each burger). About 30 seconds after you put the second one in, use a spatula to seperate the eggs if they overlap. Will make your life easier later!
  8. Put the bacon on a flat tray with some baking paper or some alfoil. If you use alfoil, spray with cooking oil because you dont want it to stick to it. Put it under the grill. Keep an eye on it.
  9. Basically watch the chicken and eventually you will need to turn it over. I usually check the underside and middle and if it looks cooked, flip it over.
  10. If the eggs have finished cooking, you can turn them off and just leave them in the pan.
  11. Check on the bacon. If you want, you can pull it out, flip it over and cook the other side. However if you leave it under the grill long enough, it will just go crispy.
  12. Once the bacon is done, put it in the pan with the eggs, get your buns and warm them under the grill. I usually just replace the baking paper from the tray I use for the bacon. Keep an eye on them because I’ve seen something go from soft and fluffy to charcoal in 20 seconds if left unattended. You want them to have a light toasting.
  13. Once thats done, your chicken, eggs and bacon should be sorted. On your toasted buns spread some avocado.
  14. Place your onion ringlets on the avocado.
  15. You know what, just stack everything on top of everything else… there’s your burger. Want sides… you wont need sides. This burger is MASSIVE!!! Id recommend smashing two of them cos they’re so good.

Health and Finance stuff

  • Im not a nutritionist so I couldnt tell you how many calories are in it, but brioche isnt the best bread if you’re on a diet. You could use Kaiser Rolls or wholemeal rolls etc… For me its about taste and brioche tastes the best… however I do have Kaiser rolls for tomorrow night. I made my own patties, and yes, I will post about it if the burgers work!
  • The marinade was store bought so Im pretty sure it was also just sugar and sauce. But it tastes good and its not in a massive quantity. Most of it is cooked off.
  • When I made this,
    • I used 4 Chicken thighs (two for me, two for the wife). Cost me about $6 and was just over half a kilo.
    • Spinach leaves were pre-packaged and about $2.
    • Eggs were about $5 for half a dozen.
    • Bacon was about $12 a kilo for middle rashers, I got half a kilo which is about six slices. I used one slice for two burgers. If I was using short cut, Id need to use 1 per burger.
    • Onions are onions, they’re not expensive.
    • Beetroot was also cheap, I just got the Coles brand tinned one.
    • I bought tomato and they’re about $3 a kilo. The one solitary tomato… about 40c.

Once I get the photo of the burgers. I will add it to this post. But yeah, TLDR… smashed out 4 burgers with a little bit of prep and about 15 minutes cooking time.

Life is pain…

For the longest time, I always dreamed of a painless existence… you know, where things just worked, nothing was a stress, I had a core group of friends who I’d see every all the time and we’d have wacky adventures and experiences. You know, that TV land fantasy of life where no problem, no matter how insurmountable was always solved to completion within 30 minutes and had no real lasting consequences. Everyone basically went back to normal.

Of course, this is not how the real world works… life is not painless. Every minute of every day is fraught with decisions to be made, things to do and places to be.

Think about it… do you reckon the characters on Friends could afford that apartment on their wages? Do you think Barney Stinson wouldn’t have been slapped with a ton of sexual harassment / rape accusations? Do you think your Mum cooks what is essentially a continental breakfast every morning, just for you to have a piece of toast, a sip of coffee as you run out the door?

That life would be exhausting.

Sure when you’re young you would think its awesome… you have your crew, your squad, your wolfpack, your bro’s, your ho’s… but something you learn as you get older…

The destination is irrelevant, its the journey you take to get there.

I mean, sure who doesn’t want the six figure salary, corner office and cool job title straight out of school? Who doesn’t want the cool car that everyone is envious of? Who doesn’t want the large house which can stage the parties to end all parties, filled with supermodels and celebrities…

Sounds like a pretty pain free existence if you have all that doesn’t it? I mean… your life is PERFECT!!!

Well from the outside looking in, it might seem that way…

ducks swimming

You know that saying that when you see a duck on a pond, he looks so graceful just gliding along… but underneath his webbed feet are going crazy just trying to keep himself afloat.

To earn that six figures, you have to work over 70 hours a week, in that corner office that feels like a prison cell, because you are the Manager of Outbound Customer Relations (you know… a Call Centre Manager)… which means you dont really spend much time in that super awesome house and you’re too tired to party, even though your partner, who quit their job to become a social media influencer wants to drag you out to some third rate dive bar that someone higher up on the totem pole described as “totes awesome”.

This is what is meant by “Life is Pain”.

Ask yourself honestly what you want from life? I mean HONESTLY… not just money, looks, and success… actually think about it, what is your definition of success?

Then ask yourself what you are willing to endure in order to achieve it.

You wanna rock some six pack abs? Hit the gym… its not gonna happen overnight… its gonna take time, dedication and a willingness to accept the pain of having to endure all that.

After listening to Mark Manson’s book… as I was driving between my old house and our new house… I thought to myself… what is it that I actually want? I mean, sure I would love nothing more than to just have this cruisy existence where everything just falls into place and good things happen… but not in the real world and definitely not to me.

So I thought about it… I want to be a top notch rescue operator. I used to wanna lead the team of rescue operators, but I realised I’d be happy to just be on the team. This was my thing, at work, at home, everywhere… I wanted to be the guy in charge. I was skilled, I was competent, I was able, I was good at it… but no one wanted to recognise it. So now, Im happy to just be on the team rather than gunning to be in charge of it.

Whats it gonna take for me to do this?

  • Have to get my fitness up. I want to pass the Arduous Pack Test.
  • Have to dedicate time to training in rescue skills.
  • Have to work on my communication skills. (Im as subtle as a sledgehammer sometimes).
  • Have to work on trusting other peoples skills more readily.
  • Have to get my Heavy Rigid Truck license (only need medium but hey.. go for the top).

I have to fit all of this around my normal day job, as well as something else that is incredibly  important to me… Home Life.

I was one of those people who sacrificed everything because I wanted to get ahead. I wanted to be “the man”. I wanted to get on top because everything would be easier then. I wanted the large pay packet, I wanted the cool job. I wanted it all… but what was happening was that I was putting material success ahead of emotional success. I realised that what I cared about most was waiting for me at home. What was the point of shooting for the moon, when I would be happy just watching it from the top of the hill… with her. I was neglecting my loved ones because I was too focussed on the impossible dream.

The pain this caused was that I really no longer care to be “that guy” at work anymore. I gave my all for the team, got me nowhere, gave me nothing but stress and bad moods. I was actually happiest when I got home and saw my wife.

I no longer compare myself to those in the position I wanted to be in, quite frankly I dont need the stress. Letting go has meant that I no longer feel the pressure of trying to outperform, outfox, or even buy into the political bullshit anymore.

Net result… I no longer give a fuck about the things I dont need to give a fuck about. I only give a fuck about those things that Im prepared to endure the pain and sacrifice to achieve… and should I get there… the next challenge after that.

Life Skills.. or why you dont want to starve when you eventually move out of home.

First of all, no this isnt millenial bashing. This isnt bashing any generation. However, I was taught something at a reasonably young age… self reliance. There is only one person who is responsible for who you are… and thats you.

Im not gonna give people shit about $17 Smashed Avo’s on toast with a single origin short black as a breakfast staple. Nor am I gonna give you shit because your essentially a metrosexual lumberjack with literally no life skills outside self importance and the belief that the gig economy is the answer to your laziness.

If you aspire to be an “Social Media Influencer”, or think that you’re just one viral video away from Kardashian levels of fame… hate to tell you the bad news… You’re not! You will need to start at the bottom and work your way up. You wont get summers off to follow your bliss and most importantly… no one cares about your feelings. You want a safe space.. build a pillow fort. Soon as you step out into the big bad world… you’re just another person, going about their business.

So… what does this have to do with anything?

Basic life skills… how to cook, how to clean, how to be self reliant.

Sure we live in this hyper connected world where anything you want to know is just a Google search away, and you can just pay someone to do the shit jobs, but lets face it.. there are some problems that cant be fixed by outsourcing.

I figure there are some basic skills that every one should have (and no I am not discriminating on the basis of gender here)… there are no boy skills and girl skills… just life skills.

cant change a tyre1. Changing a Tyre

So you find yourself having just blown a tyre. Sure you could call the Roadside Assist, but they could be hours away. You could call for a parent, but you think they’re gonna ever let you live it down?

Its not hard.. it just takes time.

2. Basic Cooking

No one is expecting you to be a chef, but believe me, if you dont want to starve, its a good idea to learn how to cook. Eating out gets expensive when you’re the one paying for it. With a little forward planning and imagination… get a piece of fish (salmon maybe), whatever spices you can find (Garlic Salt, Lemon, whatever)… wrap it in Alfoil (metal foil) and stick it in the oven on 200 degrees for about 40 minutes. Get a pre-packaged salad from the shops… and voila… you have yourself a somewhat healthy dinner with fuck all prep time and mostly sitting around waiting for it to cook…

3. Driving with a trailer

Remember how your Dad was some trailer backing wizard… you could be too. Driving with a trailer isnt hard. It isnt scary and it just takes practice. Just remember, your car is twice as long now and when you’re reversing, use your mirrors, whichever mirror has too much trailer showing, thats the way you turn the wheel. It takes time, it takes practice and it takes concentration.

4. Driving a manual transmission

Sure just about every car these days is an Auto, but you know what… you dont want to be stuck not knowing how to drive a manual if you need to. Get a couple of lessons. Get some practice… its a skill once practiced becomes second nature.

So yeah… basic life skills, or how to be a functional human being!