I was writing about something completely different, inspiration struck… deal wtih it
This is something I used to ask myself all the time… if women like nice guys, why do they always end up with assholes? The ones who will treat them mean, but they stay keen. Who will show up for all the fun stuff, but none of the boring stuff… who in your mind, treat the object of your affection like a piece of crap, but they cant get enough of it.
I think everyone in teenage years, through to their mid-20’s has these type of feelings. That is of course excluding those lucky few who find their soul mate… blah blah whatever..
Like most guys, I fell into the friendzone more often than not. My belief was that it was because I wasnt conventionally attractive. I wasnt the starting Second Rower for the school Rugby team, so why would anyone find me attractive? A slightly overweight sci-fi geek, who considered daily life a struggle in class warfare, who was so convinced that he was a fucking troll that he when he did ask a girl out, she thought he was joking. He took it hard and was pissed off… but it was just another chapter in the suckage of life really.
Truth being, I was soooo socially awkward that it was easier to convince myself that no one wanted to date me, so why bother… I shudder when I think back to that time. I hid behind an asshole persona because hey, its easier to be disliked than try and have everyone like you. In my mind, we worshipped at the altar of Stupidity… the cool kids all smoked, drank, did drugs, fucked around, treated teachers like crap… and we aspired to be like them? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??? Of course, to a teenage mind, life after high school is a million years away… this problem is right now.
The point Im trying to make is that in later years, I ended up in the friend zone more often than I care to imagine. As I got older… I realised what a bullshit construct it was…
Soo… what is this “friend zone” you speak of?
Think about this… you like someone, I mean really like… but your not confident enough the feelings are reciprocated. So in order to be close to them, you become friends with them… hoping one day they will come to the realisation that you are 10 levels of awesome and they need you in their life… without you having to actually ask them out and make your intentions clear.
How this is more typically portrayed is that the girl strings the guy along, keeping him around cos he is useful. Essentially treating him like a boyfriend, but without the romance behind it.
As you can imagine, it can be a very soul crushing, spirit destroying place to end up. On one hand, you get to be around the object of your affection, on the other hand you know that she’s just not that into you.
Essentially she sees you as a friend… you see her as more.
So whats it like in this “Zone of Friends” you say?
It sucks. Royally. Its a complete mind fuck watching the person you are convinced is your one chance at true happiness and you know given the chance, you could prove that… but for now, you’ll be on the other end of the phone as she bitches about her boyfriend and how he stood her up to go drinking with his mates.
You joke that if you were her boyfriend, you would never do that. You would tend to her every need, her every whim. She would be the centre of your universe.
Its a shame we’re such good friends…
Please note, I say this with a hint of sarcasm. With age comes experience, and a hormone filled adolescent mind, like the Sith, only deals in absolutes! You dont want to be friends, you want to be more. What? Like SUPER FRIENDS???.
So you just bide your time, getting all Petyr Beylish, sewing the seeds of mistrust, so she will dump his ass and realise that her one true love was under her nose all along.
Yeah, the perennial 80’s Teen movie trope.. I dont need to date the quarterback when my quirky best friend is the one I was meant to be with. Thats why he selflessly helped me with my plans, all the while holding back his true feelings…
Bad news: This doesnt happen in real life.
When the friend zone feels like the phantom zone!
So yeah, no matter how hard you try… every woman you have in your life doesnt see you as a compatible romantic partner… its not your fault, you’re a gentleman, you’re a confidant, you’re always there for her. It must be her fault… yeah… her fault. She’s a bitch. Its not your fault she cant see how awesome you are… you’ve given her plenty of chances to notice… fuck women, they’re all bitches… their all whores… if they wanna date assholes, go for it… no point running to me when they treat you like shit…
There is an entire sub-culture of men who believe this is the case… they are called “Incels”, or Involuntary Celibates. They’d totally do the sex, but no one will do it with them.
Its pretty much everyone elses fault, but theirs… society has conditioned women to only go after the assholes… and leave people like us behind until they one day realise that they could have had us all along but didnt want us.
This movement, and I will call it a movement, because it comes down to the individual and not the group, tend to feel entitled… like women are a sub-par species… they should know their role… it is to serve men. They should be grateful that a man is showing interest in them.
The more rejection they feel, the more steadfast they tend to become in their beliefs and will often take it to extremes… if a woman gives them a hug, they go for the pash. If a woman is dressed provactively, they will take that as an invitation to force themselves upon her. They deserve this, they’ve been rejected so many times, and women like assholes… Im just being forthright and not a beta-male bitch!
So why is this all bullshit?
The friendzone is a construct. It exists solely as something to hide behind and not face your fears. It exists as a way for you to feel that closeness but without any of the risk, which of course can morph into resentment because you realise, she isnt into you.
So lets flip it around…
You have a female friend who is always hanging around, texting you, being playful, being nice… they put heart emojis around your name in their contacts. You like hanging out with them, you have similar interests, but you are really hoping that other girl you have your eye on will return your calls.
Your friend jokes with you that you spend a lot of time together and they really like it. They hug you just a little too hard, you almost feel the brush of their lips on your neck. They breathe in ever so slightly, then release you and head on their way, occasionally turning around to see if you are watching them.
Over time, she becomes a little more obvious, but you see her as friend. Nothing more. That other chick still hasnt returned your call, but she will.
Then one day, she just comes out and says it…
I really like you
I like you too…
I mean, really like like…
Like super like?
Yeah, you could call it a super like… you know… if she never calls you back, I guess we could go out together…
How you handle this next part… thats on you… do you realise that “Holy crap, she’s amazing”, or do you play it off like its nothing? Do you remind her that you’re such good friends and nothing more.
Society, hyper connectivity and the “always on” culture.
Think about your celebrity crush. Think about your “type”. Do you like girls who always seem to be Insta-ready? Do you like guys who look like they leapt out of bed, into the surf and then off to the super important international business man international business meeting?
In this day and age, everything is “always on”… we carry around with us a portal to infinite knowledge, connectivity, convenience and worst of all… its on 24/7 bombarding us with stories, pictures, movies, all sorts of media of people with their perfect lives, their constant successes… kinda makes you feel like a loser in comparison.
Celebrities, influencers, insta-glamourous people… all #Blessed and #noFilter and #wokeuplikethis. Its all inspirational quotes. Its all mantra’s. Its all “Be positive and the universe will provide that pony”….
AND PEOPLE EAT THIS SHIT UP AND ASK FOR SECONDS!
So naturally when we’re bombarded with this, we think success looks like being a six figure baller, with an 8-pack and a supermodel under each arm because we cant decide if we want to go Chanel or Victoria’s Secret tonight.
Women have the same issues, there is an entire industry built around making women feel shit about themselves until they buy this miracle product that will give them the best left eyebrow… I heard a story that in the 18th/19th Century, dog urine was used as an anti-ageing serum.
And you know what… harsh truth… they say its on the inside that counts? BULLSHIT! You size a person up in seconds… people are drawn to aesthetics… if you put Natalie Portman in a line up with Maiyim Bialik… pretty sure the contest is going to be judged on looks, not on the fact they are both highly educated. Put Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid against a rather homely looking girl who has a PhD in Astrophysics… once again, she could have the nicest personality but who do you think the average guy is gonna go for?
AAAND THIS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT… is the problem. Relationships are seen like trophies. You have to have the perfect girlfriend or boyfriend… we need to be just like all those other people with their perfect lives… we need to have a perfect life too.
Pro-Tip for all you guys complaining about being in the friend zone: Look at who you feel has friendzoned you… is your attraction anything more than superficial… what is it you actually like about them?
How do I get out of the friend zone?
If you think you’re in the friend zone, you’re never getting out.
You dont leave the friend zone until you stop believing in it. Sure, there are cottage industries of douche-lords who will tell you to project confidence, be persistent, be funny, be charming, go to the gym, work out, buy my books, see my seminars… neg the living shit out of her… find her evil asshole boyfriend or object of her affection and destroy him!!
On the other hand, you could you know… just ask her out. Do it properly. Dont just crop dust an invitation to an event at her and hope for the best.
If she’s single and you’re single… chances are she might actually feel the same way you do, but she’s equally as nervous as you are. Take the initiative… be bold. You dont know if you dont ask.
But be prepared… she could also just not see you like that, or she might not be in the right head space, or you know… just as confused as you are because HOLY CRAP… he finally asked me out… taken his sweet ass time!
The only stipulation I’d make is that you make sure she knows its a date… so if you’re going to a movie, dinner first (never afterwards!) and somewhere nice! Dont dress up a casual get together that you do all the time as something more than what it normally is. Do something different, out of the ordinary!
FriendZone is actually a very sexist concept…
So that female friend from before… the one who is totally into you… she’s just laid her feelings bare… are you now obligated to feel the same way? Should you be grateful that she feels that way about you? I mean, she’s put the effort into being your friend, shouldnt the next step be for you to be together?
Sadly, thats how a lot of guys feel…
Are women vending machines? I mean, you feed them the kindness and friendship coins and you get the woman as your selection?
Are women like video games? You play for long enough and eventually you win?
Relationships are not transactional. There isnt a loyalty card where once you fill it, you get to have sex with woman of your choice, and she is obligated to… because you know… loyalty card!
She may not realise your feelings, or if she does, actually values your friendship despite the literal emotional and psychological mine field she has to navigate to ensure you dont get the wrong idea, knowing full well there is a really awkward conversation one day. She may actually care about you, and wants to let you down gently so that you can still be friends… she may not even be aware that she’s taking you for granted…
So guys, take some goddamn responsibility for your actions.
You are not victims of being put in the friendzone. You are not victims. Take ownership of the fact that as much as it hurts, she’s just not into you and maybe its time to look elsewhere if you want a relationship.
I guess I never answered the question, if women like nice guys, why do they go home with assholes…
Cos generally those assholes have some form of confidence. They know what they want, and go and get it. They may be playing a numbers game, where they keep trying till they win. They may be good at talking to the women… they dont hide in the shadows and hope she finally comes to her senses… they dont employ subterfuge or play the victim card.
They dont use niceness and friendship to manipulate a woman into a relationship.
Thats not to say they arent grand level douche-lords… but they have something she finds attractive or needs at that moment… or maybe she is just using him… he might be after a relationship, but shes just after a fling! Maybe she’s just trying to prove a point, to feel attractive…
If there is one thing I have learnt over the years, when it comes to relationships… nothing is black and white…